What John Taught Me About Grace

“This is my cross to bear”, John announced in the aftermath of being diagnosed with MND. And so began my lessons in grace. Lessons from observing John.

John admiring the building work in the studio

In the impending period of our tree change John and I needed to rent a house for a year, in a neighbouring town to the one where we were building. About 5 months in I hounded John to see the GP. It was increasingly apparent he wasn’t able to enunciate words with the crisp articulation some require. It was akin to the stumble and slur of drunken speech. I remember pushing him at the time, suggesting he sounded like someone with an acquired brain injury. It certainly wasn’t the kindest strategy of coercion. John had always been reluctant to visit any GP. I spat it out more harshly than intended; somewhat reflecting the internal knocking of unease. I was scared.

We were disconnected from the routine we knew. Despite purchasing the property 5 years prior, we had not yet made any connections with people in the town, beyond a friendly local who mowed our lawns. We had remained in the city and used the old house as a weekender and for Xmas holidays. It was our carrot, our promise of a relaxed retirement.

My sister and brother-in-law came down for a few overnight visits, to share in the excitement of seeing our new house emerge. We had put life on pause, waiting to begin our new chapter. Having grown up in the country, John was keen to be part of a small community again; speaking of volunteering at the CFA and local football club; bantering with new friends at the pub, at home. Back in 2012 when we were looking at properties, I was open to purchasing out of town, on ‘a bit of land’. John wasn’t keen, “If something happens to me you will be isolated”, he would reiterate. “Besides, we need to be able to walk home from the pub”, he would smile; a distraction from possibilities you don’t want to imagine.

John’s reluctance to visit a doctor is part of the conditioning of his era of ‘Boomer’ males. Growing up in the hinterland of the Alpine Region in NE Victoria, his beard resembled, local to his area, historical  bush-ranger ‘legend’, Ned Kelly. In his early adulthood he alternated work around the seasonal offerings of his town, labouring on tobacco farms and ski resorts. So, off he went to a GP. “Drink more water”,  was the advice. A standard 15 minute consult, a diagnosis it was the blood pressure tablets causing the “throat issues”. So, John drank more water; to no avail other than giving him reason to disengage with further ado about it. We relegated it to the back-burner, though burn it did. John would refute any further inquiries or questions from me, “I’m doing what the fucking doctor told me to do.” No blood tests, no change of medicine, no follow-up. No fucking idea it was hyponatremia caused by the blood pressure tablets. I knew John well enough. We would be in our new house soon; we could sort everything then. I let it drop.

We just wanted to get into our house. Besides, we also had my mother to relocate as our build included a studio for her. It had been a challenging couple of years personally and professionally. We had both mistakenly made the supposedly ‘safe’ choice to stay in respective toxic work environments. Shortly after we moved into our new home, an old school friend and her husband came to visit and stay for lunch. “Have you had a stroke?”, she calmly and gently inquired of John at the table. Fast forward a month.

With the subsequent MND verdict looming, we went on the holiday to Darwin we had pre-arranged with another couple. We thought we were chasing the elusive barramundi; in actuality, it was now the more apparent elusive dreams of a future retirement together. Time had already latched onto our heels.

It’s not necessary to re-visit the day or night of the diagnosis. There weren’t many words. We sobbed and held each other for some time when we got home from the consult. That’s about all of that intimacy I can share. Don’t try to imagine the unimaginable, for me, for yourselves. These musings are for the light that shines; for the love that tethers us to each other; to our humanity; to our eternal selves. For the lessons.

So began my lessons in grace.

John: intelligent, well-read, quick-witted and articulate. Anyone engaging in adverse political opinion with him were safe. His bantering did not succumb to the personal attack we are too often exposed to in political arenas. John would rather retreat with grace and humour if the necessity arose. Typically, in scenarios inclusive of the broader context of larger functions such as weddings. He was not a seeker of conflict despite having a strong social conscience. He was a defender of people maligned by the political constraints of social and economic reform. John understood group mentality and how politicians garnered favour through the controlling mechanism of fear. His arguments were often formidable though not condescending. Lesson one in grace I learnt from John:

Grace does not need to always be gentle, though it needs to be kind and respectful.

However, his kind humour did not extend to politicians when John’s bull-shit detector was flashing. He preserved narky satirical commentary for politicians spruiking on ‘current affairs’ type programs. Such oration was for entertainment purposes, embellished with a smiling laugh. He amused many family and friends at our table, revisiting and recounting his analysis of political rhetoric.

John was gregarious, generous and amenable. I have since learned in my spiritual seeking that our personalities are attached to our human aspect and its ego. We identify with thought patterns and associated beliefs; and that’s OK, it’s part of soul’s creative endeavours in its human physical form. Our collective challenge as humanity is keeping our ego in check and balance. Remembering, as individuals, we are part of the collective consciousness is how grace favours us. Thus eliciting acceptance of our individual expression within the collective, for self and others. John was an unwitting enactment of that spiritual teaching.

Kindness is an indicator that you have empathy ... which is born of compassion, through lack of judgement.

John had an insight into self and foresight into others that I didn’t quite fully appreciate until his illness. Perhaps it was through his illness that he strengthened this capacity? Following the day-night of his diagnosis, his offer of the turn of phrase, “this is my cross to bear”, bore no further explanation. There was an acceptance we both recognised. Were we devastated? Absolutely.

John led with courage and grace throughout his illness. My deep love for John released a force within myself, to follow suit. We were gifted the grace of unconditional love over this time; a soul connection that continues. I am grateful every day, for the gifts bestowed both during his illness and in our continued journey. In a recent meditation I had set an intention to receive a message, something I needed to know?:

Remain focused on love. That is how love manifests gratitude for what was and what is. The focus on presence. The manifestation of love is steeped in the synchronicity of signs.

Universal law denotes that everything is energy and therefore holds a vibrational frequency. This truth informs my meditation practice. It is through vibration that I recognise John’s energetic signature and receive messages. It is through the same vibrational frequencies that we interact with each other in the physical plane. Universal Laws of vibration do not attach judgement to what is emitted and received. It is our human ego that conceptualises the frequencies we feel, attaching subsequent labels and judgements. This awareness opens space for our human-self to understand that we are never alone. Separation is an egoic human construct.

Nevertheless, people’s vibrational frequencies do not always resonate. Universally speaking, that is OK. It is how we respond to unease with others which is indicative of how we process the disconnect; how we recognise and experience our human emotions in the the universal frequency of non-judgement. The energy you emit manifests your human experiences. Spiritual practice has taught me that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with a vibrational disconnect with another person. There is nothing to defend.

I recently received further guidance in taking stronger steps with regard to better protecting and respecting the boundary of my own privacy:

Repelling someone is energetic, so despite good intention there will be times when the energy doesn’t resonate. This is when to call on grace. Practice universal truth; don’t resist, some energies are misaligned. Exit with grace, in kindness.

The following poem was written post meditation in November 2021. Today would have marked our 34^th anniversary. I know time is an illusion and we are all eternal souls. However, my human aspect, while here, will continue to acknowledge the significant time markers of this incarnation with John. I honour our individual and collective human experience. Nothing to hide, nothing to defend.

And so it is. Thank you John. Thank you Universe.


The Learning Device

Unwilling to leave ... you ... in form,

“A cross to bear ...”

Spirit’s lesson ... the truth of Oneness;

In that slow separation ...

From a deteriorating body.

Time ... form’s learning device,

Enforced silences ... witnesses of decay,

Enabler of inward stillness ...

Revelator of our being.

Harsh depths ... accepting “it is”,

Gifts of shared silent stillness ... knowing,

“Shifting sands” of readiness ...

Push the boundaries of the willing.

Grief’s yearning ... love’s reflection,

Forms depart ... enduring love heals;

Acceptance ... Consent ... Permission ...

Willingness ... Peace.